Dear Rabbi Danny,
I met my current boyfriend on JDate about 1.5 years ago. We moved in together 6 months after we started dating, love flourished between us and we recently began discussing wedding plans. We both agreed that the next step in our relationship was to commit our lives to one another in a Jewish marriage. Obviously, since we got serious I cancelled my JDate subscription and I asked my boyfriend to do the same. He said that he cancelled it but a few days ago a girlfriend of mine, who also uses JDate, said she saw him online! I haven’t confronted him about it yet, but now I can’t stop thinking about how he could be meeting other Jewish women on the site and possible be having affairs on the side. What do I do? Do I confront him? Do I ask my friend to contact him online and see if he responds (conniving but maybe it’s the only way to get answers)?.
I am sorry to hear about the situation in which you find yourself.
As your relationship got more serious, deactivating your JDate account was a statement, which demonstrated your commitment to your boyfriend and the fact that you were officially ‘off the market’.
The fact that your boyfriend did not cancel his subscription, even when he said he did, poses some difficult questions for you. Among them; is this an honest guy? Is he really in love with you? And is he still waiting for someone else to come along? You said that you have discussed marriage in the future. Any Jewish marriage must be based on trust and respect, two ingredients that he has failed to bring to the table so far. Make no mistake; doubt can kill a good Jewish marriage, let alone a shaky one. So it’s important to evaluate the honesty and trust between the two of you before you embark on life together as a married couple.
At the moment part of the problem is that you are in a state of limbo, unsure as to where you stand with him. I suggest you talk to him about it, rather than set your friend up to entice him online and see if he responds. That would be dishonest on your part. It is easy to make assumptions about what he is thinking and feeling, but you need to have a conversation about your relationship and where it is heading. Until you talk about this you are not going to know for certain where your relationship is going. It might be hard to have the conversation, but it is important that you find out what he is thinking, so that you can decide how to move forward.
If he admits to you that he is indeed contacting and flirting with other Jewish women online, then you should highly consider ending this relationship because it sounds to me like you want to be in a relationship and eventually marry someone who is exclusively commited to you. If he says that he does want an exclusive relationship with you, then he must commit to closing his JDate account and focus his energies on building a strong foundation with you, and only YOU!
All the best,